• Marianne Diaz

How to be a lady

There are things a true lady never speaks about: her age, her husband’s faults and how liberating it is to let her leg hairs grow over winter. So imagine my astonishment when Fu Yuanhui, a Chinese Olympian, let the world know that she’d lost a relay because of her period.

Really Fu, how are you to attract a good husband with that sort of filth coming out of your mouth?

The world seems to be full of women who have no interest in being ladies. The news is always full of women who wish to breastfeed in public. There is a time and place that a baby should be fed and it’s definitely not when he’s hungry, so cover them up for God’s sake.

The world has gone mad. Next, women will be talking publically about menopause, pregnancy, IVF and, heaven forbid, depression and mental issues. Ladyhood is taking a battering and I myself am doing all I can to put a stop to it.

Starting with me.

I myself have taken advice from the internet. The internet is a great source when one wants to change one’s life around. In my quest to become a lady, I, like the other readers of ‘Tough Nickel’ wish to become a lady because a lady ‘is self-sufficient - as well as being able to arrange flowers and write thank-you notes, she is able to check her oil and balance her check book’.

Tick, tick and tick. I can certainly arrange flowers and if checking my oil means making sure I’ve put enough butter on my eggs, I’m well on my way to Ladyville.

The same website also explains how I SHOULDN’T be a lady. ‘Do not wear overly revealing clothes that reveal your cleavage or bottom’. No problems there. I have no cleavage and there ain’t no way anyone’s ever gonna see this bare arse in public. Oh, shit. Oh crap, sorry. That’s very unladylike. I missed the ‘do not swear continuously’ rule.

The ‘She is More’ website very generously describes 21 ways for one to be a lady on the dating scene. But the best is Number 19: ‘you should have respect for your gentleman and do not behave with entitlement by ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. If he wants to treat you to a fine bottle of wine, he can order it or offer for you to make a selection’.

Bugger that, just order the lobster and get sloshed is what I say. But that is why I’m still in training. Not for the dating scene though because my husband doesn’t have any faults.

The ‘Miss Livy’ website offers some really good pointers that never occurred to me and may have slipped through your ‘not-to-do’ list.

1. ‘Never, ever make a sex tape’.

Does it count if no one’s seen it? (Just kidding Ma)

2. ‘Don’t burp or fart out loud, in front of people’.

Well, good news. My sons are definitely not going to be ladies.

3. 'Don’t eat your roll like an apple. The courteous way to dine on bread is to tear off a bite-size piece and pop it in your mouth’.

This one’s awkward because one of the other rules is not to eat with your hands, so just to be safe it’s best just to sit there and stare at the bloody bread.

4. ‘In order to create a good image of yourself, try not to show all your feelings. When succeeding, show a moderate joy even if it’s the greatest thing ever’.

So no high-fiving when your boss falls flat on his face.

5. Exercise and stay fit! A lady isn’t overweighted.

Oh. Well that’s me then.

Disclaimer: You may think you recognise the person in this picture, but it's not who you think it is.

Marianne Diaz

Enough with the Lemons