Breaking news - Exercise makes you lose weight
It seems my weight problems are finally over!
A report by Health and Wellbeing (and a heap of other magazines) reported that scientists have found a way to stop chocolate cravings.
Apparently all you have to do is go for a brisk 15 minute walk.
But I have a problem with this.
If I’ve got a massive craving for a frozen Mars Bar, unless that brisk 15 minute walk ends with me getting hit by a bus, it ain’t gonna work.
And quite frankly if I pick myself up and go for the 15 minute walk, by the time I get back, damn it, I’ll deserve that chocolate bar.
So how to get around this?
There are less insane ways to lose weight, than exercise.
Infest yourself with tapeworm eggs.
Come on, you know you want to.
Skip the tapeworm eggs and go straight for the whole tapeworm.
And easy to swallow.
Even better, no need for a diet or exercise and the icing on the cake, no need to take a bath.
Hell! What else could you want?
How about a bust reducer? Use it on any part of your ‘flesh’ that you want to reduce. Works by making you sweat.
Or just move to Queensland.
Why not try their frown eradicator? I’d like to. I believe it’s also called ‘quitting your job’.
What about that fat around your double chin?
Well we have something for that too.
You may look like a moron but your enlarged glands will thank you.
Are you feeling too stout? I know I am.
And I really don’t want paralysis, heart trouble and apoplexy (hang on, googling apoplexy).
I’m not too worried about the danger, it’s just that my fatness will be extremely annoying to people of refined taste.
And I so wanted to entertain Kate Middleton next time she came round.
But skinny people, don’t worry you haven’t been forgotten.
You don’t want men to 'vamoose' because you look like a beanpole, do you?
Good news - You don’t have to lack sex appeal forever!
After all, 'the feminine allure is a big contributing part to a girl’s happiness and success'.
Try out this ironized yeast tablet.
Want a quicker solution?
Add the bloody tablet to 2 cups of flour, a bit of salt, sugar, knead, bake and eat with a huge slather of real butter.
There, see? Who needs to walk??
Oops, me. My chocolate's in the fridge, way over there.......
Enough With the Lemons